Life… how this odyssey fascinates. With each new day it’s rapture astounds and confounds. Over the past few years I have grown in many ways and waves. Stepping into and out of the scared places within and without; over and over again. In doing so, I have experienced both immense joy and bittersweet torment. A self-inflicted fear of the unknown; of others; of my Self. At odds, with an innate pull of wanting to fully embrace this path of internal and distal connection… met with a resistance of my own crafting. Aversion, to an invitation fastened to my heart. Concerned, with how others may receive or perceive these offerings. Continuously wrestling with innate blessings available to each of us. Guidance embedded within the deepest caverns of our humanness.
For quite sometime I ventured solo. Life began to take notice, nudging me into a wealth of experiences necessary for me to see myself, as my Self. Not always gentle, yet necessary. A process in order to encourage and prepare for the imminent changes encroaching upon my path, in a multitude of ways.
I have since committed to fully and honestly honoring the connections that have been given. More attuned and in alignment with living, loved ones, physical, spiritual and emotional well-being. Always ongoing… Though, in the past that wasn’t so.
Often, we meet dear catalysts along the way, who propel us to explore the unexcavated terrain; the ‘fearful’ places within. I have been fortunate to pass and know many of them. Each baring gifts; each offering blessings in their own unique and wondrous ways. Some conscious of their beauty. Others, unknowing of the treasures they impart; even throughout the shadowy realms.
I met a dear soul several years ago. Somewhere on these inter-waves of connection. The essence of our being touched the deepest parts of me… so much so, that my own ambivalence thrust me into deep self-reflection and exploration. I became the pilot in the torment of my own descent. I couldn’t fathom the intensity we shared. I had never experienced this depth of intimacy. It was foreign and ‘otherly.’ It ushered me to question everything I ‘thought’ I knew about myself, about others, about Love and relationships, about ‘God’ and the footings of my faith.
It was my own unwillingness to receive the gift before me, that left me paralyzed and mute. Not wanting to touch or hold such a treasure, that at the time I felt unworthy and unprepared to receive; Love. So mired with worry, that if left in my hands it would spoil or break. Silenced, by self-guilt and false stabs from makeshift swords impaling my heart; encasing my soul. In fear of truly engaging with what I felt in my heart to be true… a Divine connection; a blessed friendship; a lightness in a world so incredibly laden with heaviness and excessive illusions. A “rare” thing. I was consumed by not wanting to shatter others or myself. Marred with self-limiting thoughts of rejection… if one were to truly ‘see’ not only ‘feel’ the essence of my being in it’s entirety.
Filled with ambiguity, I ran trembling in fear from the unknown… from Love in all facets of my life… from manifestations projected and solely self-created… from holding others responsible as the source of my happiness and easement. I began to build the walls higher, motes stronger, released the dragons… and turned away those who came too close or touched the most tender of places. And so my cherished friend, if ever you should come upon this… that ‘it’ you were trying to discern; trying to encourage me to expound upon… the above is my attempt. I only offer to share my perspective of this experience in faith, that it may help to alleviate any unsettled feelings you may have had or carry in your heart. Just as I ‘feel’ you have done for me, in copious ways.
The beauty and audacity of life… benevolently yields to furnish opportunities and experiences, that offer to enhance our focus and harvest the seeds required for growth.
The self-willingness to heal my misconceptions grew. The vines spilled over and spiral ever upward and outward encompassing the breadth of my life. The “worthwhile” journey has been welcomed, a movement and union within continues… the invitation has been accepted… the door left ajar…
for Love ever holds.
No longer questioning the supposed ‘rights’ or ‘wrongs’ of how ‘things’ should or should not Be. No longer adhering to the discomfort of not fitting the mold. Rather, honoring the sacredness of what IS. And for my Self, that IS the simplicity of BEing undefined in a world imbued with definition.
Always learning and gratefully so.
The gift of connection is the gift of Life. Love yourself enough to be willing and open to receive it. You deserve nothing more sacred than to live in the radiance and totality of your true being. Look deeply into your heart and into the hearts of others. The finest of books, treasures, moments and connection are always contained beyond the surface of perception.